Report: 2011 Men's Soccer College Championship

I went to the men's college soccer championship with my parents on Sunday afternoon.  My plan was to take my camera, get some pics of college age skanks watching soccer and make fun of the large number of starter beards at the game.  Unfortunately, I forgot my camera.  So I have to rely on soccer pics that I randomly selected off Google Images.  Of course I picked the pics that most amused me.  Which meant I had to go in and adjust my storyline to fit the pictures.  Here goes:

 

Wildly Violent Men's College Soccer Cup Won By UNC; Anal Sex/Grievous Facial Injuries Rampant

Hoover, AL-  It should have been clear to the 9,000+ gathered at Region's Park Sunday afternoon that the championship game pitting national #1 University of North Carolina against unseeded Cinderella story University of North Carolina-Charlotte was going to be a bloodbath.  What the crowd of soccer enthusiasts (including an extremely vocal UNC-Charlotte contingent) were not expecting was the sheer level of sodomy without warning.  Unexpected anal intercourse or "surprise buttsecks" as UNC-Charlotte junior Henry Duffenmacher repeatedly yelled while patiently waiting in line for a large popcorn should have come as no great shock to the assembled fans who arrived early enough to witness warmups.

Pictured: Warmups; Buggery

We took our seats (as far from Mr. Duffenmacher as humanly possible) as the organizers announced that fans would be arrested if they attempted to get on the field of play.  Judging by the general level of savagery and the large number of awful starter beards on the pitch, one would have found it hard to believe spectators had brought children much less that they would attempt to join the out and out barbarism happening on the field.  The game kicked off at 3:05pm and immediately devolved into heinous displays of inhumanity:

Pictured: Tackle; testicle removal

The first half was mainly controlled by Charlotte through physical punishment that is rarely allowed to go on outside of The Octagon and usually amongst combatants with many more tattoos.  Charlotte was outclassed talent-wise but managed to make up for it with a brutal disregard for the rules of soccer and human decency.  A favorite move was to run full speed at a UNC player and then deliver a foot full of cleat to the opposing player's face:

Like so.

This was effective in keeping UNC off balance but resulted in dozens of facial puncture wounds and gashes. This also caused the game to move slowly as time had to be called while players were stitched up.  This allowed time for fans to whisk there children to the snack counters and attempt to quiet their weeping with hot chocolates and $1 giant pickles.  Eventually it became clear that the sadism masking itself as a sporting event was just going to be too violent for those under the age of 18.  The match was paused at 22:30 and parents were exhorted to remove their children from the stadium and for a commercial break.  Unfortunately, this only served to fuel the fury of the teams and they immediately began violating each other with a glee that can only be described as murderous:

A soccerist screams his battle cry.

 At half-time the score was tied nil-nil.  There had been a distinct lack of shots on goal as each team seemed more inclined to brutalize the opponents than to make any semblance of a coordinated attack on goal.  In fact the only coordinated attacks appeared to be on the opposing players faces and buttocks and even this thin veil of civility would fall by the wayside in the opening moments of the second half as players began to target any perceived weaknesses in their opponents.

A player probes the opponent for weaknesses

At this point a gurgling and groaning began to circulate amongst the crowd.  Initially confused as a team song or chant it became clear that it was the sound of thousands upon thousands of fans vomiting and then running for the exits as the atrocities overwhelmed their sensibilities.  The referees, having long since lost control of the proceedings attempted at this point to act as field medics for the growing number of severe facial injuries:

One of countless facials on this dark day in sports history.

Finally, and seemingly in direct defiance of both teams prime directive of inflicting the most pain possible on each other regardless of sportsmanship or the Geneva Conventions, UNC scored a goal a little over midway through the second half.  By this time each side sported only a couple of souls able to still stand upright and run without noticeably limping.  The UNC-Charlotte squad, sensing defeat at hand devolved into unrepentant vileness and brutality, the likes of which I can not explain without causing serious psychic damage to my still tender brain.  By the time this exercise in debasement was mercifully whistled over, the majority of the spectators had abandoned the stadium for the safety of their cars.  Many had gouged their eyes out in vain attempt to unsee what had been seen.

As your humble reporter I must say, it was a sight whose gruesomeness and baseness I hope you, nor your children, nor your children's children live to see.  Oh and congratulations to the UNC men's team on their 1-0 victory.




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