It's Beginning To Sound A Lot Like Goddamn #ucking Dubstep

Everywhere yo-yo-you-you-youUUUUUUUURRRREEEEEEEE go-go-go-ga-ga-goooah-ga-ga-gooah-screeeeeAAAAAH-ga-go-SCREEEEEEEE...go.

Pictured: WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP...........WOMP, WOMP, WOMP

I hadn't planned on delving into dubstep in this post.  I had a totally different idea that had to do with a made up story about how I was roped into Christmas caroling by overzealous members of the local homeowners association.  This was going to lead to spirit of Christmas/War On Christmas hi-jinks and such and such.  Except when I was doing my research about Christmas (Ed.note: white-washing Facebook Timeline) I ran across Sinterklaas which is the basis for Santa Claus.  He looks like this:

Dubstep?  I've not heard of dubstep.

He looks like a mix of the Pope, Vulcanus Rex from the St.Paul Winter Carnival and the stranger in a costume at the mall that we force our kids to sit on till they cry each year.  He's tradition or heritage or something from the Low (bass!) Countries where he rode a horse and with mischievous helpers in black face (whoops) and brought money (and later candy) to the poor.  It also was and excuse to get excessively drunk in public. Profit!  Kristmaas with the Dutch is Kristmaas done right.  Sure it's a little racist.  Or super racist.  But the Dutch came up with a fix for that too:  It's actually coal on our faces....from sneaking into people's chimneys...when we're giving them the moneys...yeah, that's the ticket.  Besides, isn't everything from the Low Countries a little racist?  I actually have nothing to back that last statement up.  But it feels right.

Back to Sinterklaas.  Now if that doesn't sound like the most boss name for a yule-themed dubstep DJ then I don't know what is.  It's already got the word sin in it.  It sort of sounds like sinister which is bad ass.  The double letter thing lends it some street cred.  It's all foreign and shit.  It's why Rammstein sounds even a little bit tough.  Not that I'm into Rammstein.  Du hast mich!  Du hast mich!  I think the first ten seconds of "Du Hast" are where they got the sample for Rihanna's "We Found Love".  Notice I didn't do that thing that people do where they say, "that one song by Rihanna" because they don't want anybody to know they know the names of Rihanna songs.  Well, not me.  I know Rihanna songs.  I even know it features Calvin Harris.  So put that in your butthole and smuggle it across the border.

Wow, that was some serious gymnastics to work Rammstein into a post that is ostensibly about Christmas.

All right, all right, I'm sure I can find one picture of them:

Lead singer Rammstein Jones made a strategic mistake in wardrobe when he went with a ball gag.

And seriously, before we go any further what the fuck is this?

Pictured: Self-hast

Do you just go fuck it, we're German.  Everybody already thinks we're into poop-porn so we might as well use latex to make ourselves into anatomically correct women and what's up with the guy on the far right pointing at the 2-hole?  We get it.  You're German. 

Jesus Christ, that was a long sidebar for Rammstein.  You see what you do, you Krauts?  You make me hast myself.

So Sinterklaas seems like THE PERFECT DUBSTEP name if you primarily do Christmas related dubstep, right?  I know what you're thinking: Hey Himboklaas, how much Christmas related dubstep could there be?  I mean, the two things have literally nothing to do with each other.  There probably isn't even 10 Christmas dubstep jams on Teh Internetz. Oh, you'd be wrong.  Big fucking time.  One search on YouTube for Christmas Dubstep?  6540 results.  Now granted, not all of those are dubstep versions of Christmas songs.  Correct.  Some of those are remixes of dubstep versions of Christmas songs.  Yeah, the dubstep version of "O Come All Ye Faithful"? That I was drinking eggnog in slow motion to?  I think the part where the bass dropped and womp, womp started?  It's a little off.

re-re-re-re-MMIXXXX-MIX-MIX-SCREE-AHHH-re-re-mix-mix-SCREEEAAAAH that shit.

And let's face it, that's all we're waiting for with dubstep.  The part where the bass drops and they make the screechy and the warble and the low rumble stuff.  It's the M.Night Shyamalan of music.  The beginnings sort of normal and ominous and then you get bored and you're just waiting for the drop just see what happens.  Just show me the twist so I can commence with the shit talking.  And really isn't that what Christmas is all about?  Yes, yes it is.

Have a dubstep free Christmas. 

    
 Or if you just can't get enough of dubstep in places where it doesn't belong go watch some funny as shit videos about dubstep over at 5 second films.  
 


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